I'm puttin' it all out there again... here you go...

Well... I'm sitting here pondering what exactly it is that I am getting myself in to next week. I leave good ol' Waverly, Iowa tomorrow afternoon at 5:00 and head south to New Orleans. I signed myself up for a service trip this year. So instead of going home and spending 40+ quality hours working at the Urandale HyVee, I'm going to be spending 17 hours in a 15-passenger van to get to N.O. tomorrow night. Honestly... that's the least of my worries. I am offically certified to drive Wartburg vans so I get to drive. Some of you might think that driving a huge ass van with lots of kids in it isn't ideal, however, driving will give me some sense of control. That makes me sound like I am some sort of control freak, I am to an extent, but I like to feel like I am helping out and that I am a part of whatever task is at hand. Driving will give me that sense of control. Plus... my friend and possible roommate for next year, Emily, will be my co-pilot and I'm OOBER excited about that. She's pretty hilarious so I'm not worried about falling asleep or anything like that.

What I'm most nervous for, working. We are going to be helping re-build two homes of resuce workers in New Orleans. Most of our tasks will include cleaning up and dry-walling, simple enough, however... there are a few people on the trip that I would like to put behind the drywall. Hopefully, you all pray for me, that this person wont end up in my group and away from some of my friends on the trip as they all have the same feelings. It isn't that I don't totally like this person, it's just that they ask dumb questions and tend to be more bloned than myself. And no... we are not talking about Matt. Which is another interesting story...

So I decided last year that I wanted to do something to help this year. Now a year and a half after hurricane Katrina wiped out most of New Orleans, they still need our help in rebuilding. I'm excited about that, I think. It's been a stressful few weeks and I'm hoping that this break will help me unstress. Anyway, I signed up for this trip way back in October. There were two trips going down and I knew the leaders on both but last semester I was dating Matt Wahl and so I chose his trip. So now two months after the break we are headed down to New Orleans together. It's been so strange. Some, if not most of my stress has been self-induced caused by my personality and the fact that I fight for my friends and that I hold on for way too long. I was sending myself further and further into darkness and I knew that I needed out. It was a real shitty few weeks. And finally, I decided that I had to cut my losses and focus on me. Regardless, Matt and I are not on the best of terms, civil to each other but not really speaking. And, I'm headed 17 hours from home with not only him, but his father. And I know that Matt talked to his dad when we broke up so I don't really know what kind of light Matt painted me in. Mom said it was probably a good thing that his dad was going. It would keep him in line. I think she's right.

Things between us are ok now. It is sad to say that when our RA came in on Monday night asking about our plans for departure and she told us that the service trips might be cancelled, I felt relief. Mom told me not to go if it was going to stress me out. Aunt Stacy told me no to go if it was going to be too hard. Steven told me not to go if I was going to be unhappy because I'm not unhappy by nature and I really have been lately. I told myself I had to go because I signed up for this trip because I wanted to go and no one was going to stop me. Aunt Stacy was right... it does have a little bit to do with my pride. I'm afraid that if I didn't go everyone would just think it was because I couldn't be with Matt. And for the most part, that's why I wouldn't be going. So I knew that I had to because I wanted to and becasue I told myself last year that I was going this year. So yeah... I put my pride ahead of myself but I also put the fact that I am normally afraid to put myself out there and do something different. Going to New Orleans is something different for me and I am going!! After a bunch of crying, long, hot showers in the dark, and some discussion with close friends and relatives, I realized that I am better than unhappy, I am better than crying all the time, I am better than what I have been for the last 2 months. I am better than an emotional mess. And I've decided that I am going to find some way to make myself happy for the rest of this year.

As Josh Groban puts it in his new song "Smile,"

"Smile, what's the use in crying? You'll find that life's worth while if you just smile."

So there you go mom... it's all out there again...

I'll be in New Orleans next week. Why? Because I wanted to go last year and didn't. Becasue I still want to go. Because it will be an amazign opportunity. And because I have a lot of friends on the trip and I am excited to get to know them better.

the bloned