My life is really not that bad when you consider who my family is...

well... to my family... I miss you all... I'm sorry I haven't been posting... my life is full of meaningless things right now and those things are better left to be read by my friends. An update was necessary tho. It is currently almost 2 and as I sit here blogging I want to cry. I've have a pretty shitty last few weeks. I know... what is wrong with me. I'm in college, shouldn't I be living the life... I'm not. What it comes down to is that I like to surround myself with a multitude of different people because I like to have friends everywhere I go. Some people don't understand that. I have to be careful what I write because I've gotten in trouble twice now about things I have written. I should apologize for what I write and I don't. My blogs are a form of escape for me. They allow me to get out what I need to, while maintain composure.

I've been having issues with some of my friends. Not only friends at the BURG but friends at home as well. I miss a lot of them and it was bittersweet coming back in January. I had spent an amazing three weeks at home rebuilding friendships with different people. I loved that! I had a pretty crappy summer when it came to friends. I had a few that were always there for me no matter what but with everything tha twent down over graduation, I lost a lot too. One of those friends and I are not having the best of times right now. He is still in high school and I think our lives have finally gotten to the point where it is just too difficult to understand what the other is going through. I don't really get this as we have never had this problem until just recently. I miss him... a lot. He was there for me this summer when people I'd been close to for years were not. He was there for everything. Every moment, every laugh, every giggle we ever shared. He was there to hold my hand when I was scared to come to college. He was there when I just needed a shoulder to cry on. And now... now I stare at his face everyday and wonder why it is we haven't talked in almost a month.

Then there is my other friend. We have a different sort of relationship. This person is someone I am very honest and open with and likewise they are with me. This person has been having issues like mine and when I finally talked to them today after 5 days of silence, I was told they were having problems that just needed to be worked out and that no one could help. I belive the quote was, "it's everything and it's nothing." I just wish I could help. I know I can by listening, but they have to be willing to talk first. I've had some issues with this person for a few weeks. Just different things going on... like they said, things get misconstrued over the internet. Never did that hit home harder than today. But that is the reason the blogging is done on that site for awhile. If I can't write in peace then what is the point. Yeah, I like a little controversy, but not over a stupid blog for pete's sake. Anyway.... I care about this person a lot and it kills me that I can't do anything right now... I guess I'll just have to wait it out...

Life is terrible right now. I broke down and called home on my way to the library. Then I stood in the middle of campus and balled for awhile... that was cool. By the time I got to my homework help my hand was so numb I couldn't feel the keyboard. He didn't appreciate it when I put my hand on his face either. I got to talk to my daddy which was good. With everthing that is going on in all of our lives it hardly seems fair to burden other people with my problems. Especially my family... I miss you all terribly and I love you so much. Sometimes I just wish I wasn't a nice person. If I were a bitch life would be so much easier. Then people would really have a reason to be threatened by and scared of me. Here I go... I've wanted to cry for days now... and I finally got it. I cried more tonight than I have since graduation. And the tears at graduation were not happy either.

I know that I want to live with Kaitlin next year. I know this. We were practically made for eachother. We went to MovieKnight at 11:30 tonignt and discovered that we have the same taste in soda, sub, and boys. Yes... both of us went on our first real date with the one and only Matt Gardner. OH HELP US NOW! I love KD and I would love to live with her. The only problem is telling that to other people. But again, not going to get into that here because that will get me in trouble.

Thanks to my father for making my life just a little bit better tonight. And thank you to my good friends who stand by me no matter what. I love you all and miss you so much! I'm sorry this is depressing but I leave you with what my very wise father told me tonight:

Serenity Prayer
God,
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.