Mother's Day

Ok, so I know that this isn't going to be the most fun to write but I have to because it has been bothering me and it was just reiterated by a phone message. As most of you know my grandma isn't in the best of health. She's been living in the nursing home for a little over a year now I think. I can still remember the first time I went and saw her there. All I could do was cry. I thought it was so horrible to lock people in a place that reeked of urine and wasn't their home. I know that this decision was even harder for my mom. It sucks. I'll just flat out say it. It has been tough over the last year watching slowly as my grandmother's disease slowly kills her. I force myself to remember the good times and not dwell on the fact that everyone in my family is hurting. It kills me to think of how brave my mom has to be. Recently my sister and I went to the nursing home to see grandma on Mother's Day. She didn't even know we were there. She looked angry that we had moved her to get some privacy and I tried to talk to her, I really did, but knowing that she didn't know who I was killed me. As I was talking to her she sort of laughed. This was the grandma Alice that I knew. It reminded me of all the times she would make apple sauce or apple butter and sarah and I would sit in the kitched coloring or doing whatever. I remember she used to let us help her and we would always sneak apples out of the bowl where we were mixing them with cinamon and sugar. What I wouldn't give to have a taste of that apple sauce just once more. It also made me think of my mom and all the things I had taken for granted over the years. I sort of spaced mother's day this year and as bad as this is, she didn't get anything. Granted, we all have a lot of other things on my mind but she is my mom, and I love her. I don't think she knows how much but I really do. Without her I don't know what I would do. In writing this, and seeing my grandma, it hurts me more to know that she is hurting so much and there is nothing I can do to help it. Not saying that any of her other siblings haven't done their part, but it seems that my mom is the one who is always looking out for her mom, and always making sure that everything is going smoothly at the nursing home. Today the nursing home called and left a message regarding Grandma's health. It said that at the last doctors visit, the doctor suggested that we should rethink what our plans for her would be. At first I didn't know what it meant and then it got to the part where I understood. The doctor had suggested that we take her off "full-code," or whatever, and put her on "do not recesitate." I understand that. He said that because of her declining health he thought this would be the best thing. I don't know why this is doing this to me. I'm not even menstrual. I couild tell on Sunday that grandma's condition had gotten a lot worse since Easter, but I didn't want to tell myself that. Hearing it from a doctor didn't help much either. I really don't know where I'm going with this. I guess I just needed to blow off some steam.