The Beginning of the End

I started my senior year of high school yesterday. So far, it hasn't been too bad. The homework was laid on pretty thick for the next few days though. I sort of touched on this in my last blog, but I am hoping that this year will be a lot different than years past. My classes are pretty decent. The only people I see all day are Butter and Ashley. Some of my other friends are at Central and the rest just don't have a similar schedule. Ashley, Butter, and I have decided that we are going to go to Butter's for lunch. As seniors we have open campus for lunch and since Lauren lives close to the school, we can go there for a quick lunch that is cheeper and healthier than what we would be eatting at school.

Anyway, It is hard to imagine that at this time next year I am going to be settling in to the college life style. It is harder to believe that in less than three months, I am going to know where I am going to spend the next four years of my life. I have it narrowed to a few schools, but I am still not sure which school is going to be the "right choice." Family and friends that are older than me have all talked to me about their college life and what it entailed for them. I appreciate what they say to me, but I am me, and not them, so no matter what I do, it will be different for me. I am glad that I have a lot of people that I can turn to for questions and answers though.

On a different note, I found out today what my volleyball carreer is going to look like. There was an article in the paper about our team. It was just an introductory short story about how the team was shaping up and what people could expect for the season. In short, it is summed up by listing Sara as the only returning varsity letter winner, introducing all the juniors and sophomores that are playing instead of seniors, and saying that Butter would be the only other senior playing for the dragons this year. Now, there are NINE seniors and only TWO of them are playing varsity. Erin, another good friend of mine and participant of the JV volleyball team, made a great point today regarding this article. After reading it, she was pissed and wrote a letter to the coach, which she didn't give him because it was just a venting tool. In her letter it said how the coach had made his mind up about us last season. How he wasn't giving the rest of the seniors a chance because he knew was the starting line up for this year was at the end of last year. Which is entirely true. He hates our class for some reason. Last year we were to blame for all of varsity's losses. We were to blame when the drill wasn't working right because JV was killing Varsity. It wasn't our fault, however, that we were 10 and 2 last season, beating every team that Varsity lost to. We have been conference champs for the last three seasons. Not to mention that as a team and a class, we work so well with each other. It comes from spending all winter playing with eachother on Club teams. Erin also wrote how she didn't want to be recognized on senior night by coming out of the stands down to the floor. I personally don't want to have to walk from the crowd down to the floor so I can be recognized as a Senior. And I am going to letter this year. But this isn't because I played varsity, it is because I stuck it out and put up with Brooks' shit for four years. Yay, go me. I am so excited that the only varsity letter I am going to receive isn't going to be for playing varsity, but rather being a dummy for varsity to practice against.

My love of the game is what keeps me going. I feel empowered when I know I can block someone or I get and awesome kill. I truly love to play the game. I don't play because someone told me I was good. I play because my heart goes into it. I hurt when we lose and all I want to do is try, try again. In a sense, I learned today that I was never going to play varsity in my coachs' eyes. But just because he doesn't think I can do it, doesn't mean I can't.

The End of An Era

As I sit down to write here, I realize that I have been thinking about a lot more than my sports life and haven't really been saying anything about it. This being the last day of summer before my final year of high school, I realized that my approach to things is going to be a tad different this year. For starters, I really don't care about the unimportant things in my life right now. These things being cleaning my car or my room, which I did last night and it did make me feel better to know I wasn't living like a pig anymore, or things like fighting with my friends. This summer I have become semi-aware of who my true friends are. I have also come head to head with some people and their changing personalities. It is hard to write about this without offending people, but seeing as no one knows I do this, owell. I have started to realize that some of my friends aren't turning out to be the people I thought they would be 6 years ago. I guess it just goes with the saying, with time comes change. Who knew change could have sucked this much.

My summer has been decent. Not as much fun as last, but hey, I went to Spain this summer so nothing could top that. In summation, my summer has been spent driving around with the same people, to the same spots, and talking about the same things. And while this wasn't all that bad, it sucks to be thrown into volleyball practice where everyone is talking about all the fun things they did and all the people they hung out with this summer. Don't get me wrong, I love the people I hung out with, I just wish that my group of friends wasn't divided so much. Freshman year I had all the friends in the world. There was something going on almost every weekend and everyone had a good time. Sophomore year, the group had changed a little and so had other things. By now, the "relationships" that had started freshman year, were over. And because of this, certain people had formed allies and little chunks of the group had started to become their own group and didn't function well with other people. My junior year, these little chunks that had formed groups, had separated, broken up, changed and now, have formed different groups. And while we function together as a whole, we function better as a single.

Ordinarily, I would be rolling in friends, and I do have a lot of friends, but I am not as close to most of them. If anyone ever reads this, they will be pissed to know that the person that I considder my "all season" friend, is Ashley. She is there for me no matter the situation and I can always confide in her the things that I wouldn't dream of telling other people. I am also very good friends with a few other people, but no one knows half as much about me, as Ashley. A few years ago that name was Becca. She still knows a lot about me then, and she can still read me like a book. But, the same goes for me. Our friendship will forever be preserved in time. I will know her as a person now, but I will indefinitely remember the friendship and the person that she was then. I will also always have my childhood memories with Erin. I have know Erin since Kindergarten. Which, by the way, Kinder means "children" in German. Together, Erin and I have grown up. Sometimes apart, but we always seem to find eachother again. We aren't the great friends that we were when we were younger, but we are still friends.

This year I am going into my Senior year with a positive attitude. I am not going to deal with all the drama and bullshit this year. It isn't worth it to me anymore. When I leave for college next fall, I will know who I will and who I wont keep in touch with. That sounds a little harsh, but I am not going to let my final year of high school go to crap. I am going to have fun and enjoy what is left of my adolesence. Because hey, I am almost a legal adult and I am almost to the "real world."

Picture Perfect

Well, today was the day for team pictures. It was an awesome feeling to know that the coach had broken the team down into a JV and Varsity picture and then he had the 7 seniors, we refer to ourselves as "Everyone Else", in a list where we could choose which picture we wanted to be in. We all chose to be in the Varsity picture, of course, knowing full well that at the rate we were going, the only court time we would see would be with JV. This feeling is only bettered knowing that a girl my sisters age, and good friends with my sister, is on the Varsity list and is currently playing in my position over me. The trouble with that is that I love this girl and she is such an awesome person.

Last night a friend called me and wanted to know if I wanted to go to this girls house and sit in her hot tub with some other people. Ordinarily, I would have gone. But last night I really wasn't in the mood to be "chummy" with the girl that I was trying to beat. So I had to somehow explain to my friend that I wasn't that interested in going. So instead, he came to my house and we talked because that is what we always do. And I know that if Aunt Stacy were reading this she would get all excited because I talk to a boy. But this boy and I have been friends since the day I moved into my house. I still remember the little blonde boy that rang my doorbell and asked if I wanted to play kickball with the rest of the neighborhood kids. And sure, we had our moments when we liked eachother as more than "just friends," but unfortunately for us, it was never at the same time.

We also had our moments when we didn't so much speak to eachother. I remember wondering what had happened and trying to analyze nothing because there was nothing to anylyze. We sort of reconnected while at a party at my ex "boyfriends" house. We just layed there and talked. It was nice to be able to talk to someone other than Ashley. He could always give me a different perpective on things. Not that I don't love talking to Ashley, you just get a different point of view from a guy. This reconnection also started a connection between him and Ashley. All of a sudden he was asking for information about her and whether or not she would go to Prom with him. And yes, this sounds all so juvinile, but you forget, I am still in high school. So they went to prom together and had a good time. He really liked her and she just had a really good time. So he would come to me and ask if it was ever going to work. I was a nice as I could be in telling him that it wouldn't happen. Meanwhile, everyone knew that he liked her and that while she would give him the time of day, she would never go out or date him. It was a pretty funny situation but the three of us are still good friends, whether as a group of three, or separately as just two.

On a less happy note, school starts on Thursday which means that I must go to bed. I know that no one is reading this, at least no one I know, but at least I get to write what I feel instead of something directed to me by a teacher.

Concerning my LIfe

So I gave in to Tony, author of Say Anything, and decided to create a blog so he would know it was me when I commented. He will probably be the only one who reads this, if even, and I wont post that often. My life is sort of busy. Right now, the only thing on my mind is sports. The two I am most focused on are basketball and volleyball. I recently "gave up" basketball. I didn't quit, at least that is what I tell myself. It was more of a self-realization thing for me. I have worked since the 6th grade to play varsity basketball. Whether or not I knew I wanted to play varsity in middle school is a different story. But as a freshmen in high school, I dreamed of one day being that person that people cheered for while I was on the floor. Not the person people yelled at the coach to be let in. My dreams were smashed this summer. I knew that I should have been at open gym every Sunday night, but I am a near college student and that shit is expensive. So I had a job to earn money. This job didn't allow me to be at Grady's beck and call, so I missed out on some "critical training." My parents paid for me to go to UNI for 2 days to play basketball at team camp. Before we left, Grady, the coach, told the team that if we thought it would be a waste of money because of lack of playing time, that he would understand and we could chose not to go. I never imagined that he was refering to me. Out of seven, forty minute games in those two days, I playeda combined total of maybe 15 minutes. So I asked to speak with the coach. We talked that Friday for an hour between games. He told me that he didn't think my window of opportunity for becoming a better athlete was very big. He also told me that I would play as much varsity basketball this year, as I had in the previous year. Which basically meant I was a defense bitch and "varsity" got to beat up on me. And sure I played a little. At the end of definite win or loss games. For example, Ankeny is the best team around, because of Niki Weiben, and last year we were losing 51 to 18. I went in for maybe a minute at the end of the game because the starters couldn't do anymore good, and I couldn't possibly screw anything up. If you have never been in the position, it is truly one of the most humiliating things I have ever done. It is a horrible feeling you get when you know everyone is looking at you like you are pathetic, they feel sorry for you because coach decided to give you a break. And at the same time, you are playing against the girls that are also feeling the same way because their coach felt sorry for them. To make a long story short, Mr. Gradoville was a good coach and a good teacher. I still respect him as a person even though he killed my dreams. So this winter, you can see me behind the bakery counter at your local Hy-Vee. And I look at the brightside of things, I could spend time with my friends my last year of high school, OR, I could be chained to the court and misserable for 5 months. I may miss it in November, but I will be a much happier person without it.